Letter to my Former Self

Picture of a woman's hand, writing a letter to a dear friend

Shortly after escaping from my abusive relationship, I wrote a very sad poem about my trauma bond with him called "Song of the Broken". I am including it here on my blog partly as herstorical record and partly to remind myself of how far I've come in the last several years. The poem is listed below followed by a gentle, encouraging letter from my liberated soul to my former trauma-bonded self.

Song of the Broken

I sit in the strength of my solitude, fighting the weakness of my desire to be with him. 

He who betrayed me, he who abused me, he who almost cost me my life, more than once. 

What is this strange affliction of need for someone to pour my love upon? 

Why can I not love myself enough to protect the life within me from him who would use it like a toy for his amusement and pleasure and then toss it carelessly aside as if it had no value? 

My thoughts turn over and over, chasing for understanding of how to solve the mystery of why he feels the need to hurt me. 

Why can he not love me? 

He said he did, so many times, and then one day he stopped. 

What is happening in the mind and heart of a person who can seemingly turn their love on and off like a lightswitch?  Is “On” the lie, or “Off”? 

Does it even matter? 

For how can one commit their whole being to someone so untrustworthy? 

And yet, I did.  For over half a lifetime, I did. 

I long for peace, for a safe and understanding place to rest my heart. 

But the insanity of this trauma bond keeps me longing to rest it in the constantly shifting and changing sands of the heart of the monster that I have lived with and known, rather than looking for ways to release myself from his clutches and move on to quieter, more stable environs where I could be free and at rest. 

Like a moth to a flame, is my heart to my abuser. 

My rational mind, who knows from excruciating experience, exactly who he is, MUST win this internal battle against my fantastical, romanticized notion of who I wish he were and who I hope he could become, if I am to survive. 

Would that I could have that same cold ability that he exhibits with me, to be able to just turn it off. 

But no, that is not my wish.  I do not wish to become empty, loveless, lifeless, uncaring, unthoughtful, ungrateful. 

I just wish to be healed, to be able to believe again that not all of humanity is cruel and manipulative and false. 

Goddess help me to find the light in this darkness, the hope in this sadness, the peace in this madness.

Dear "Broken",

First let me tell you that you will find peace -- a peace like you've never experienced before. This peace will come over time, step by step, day by day. A peaceful resolve will wash over you like a warm spring shower, watering the seeds of feminine wisdom that were planted in your heart by the honest, kind

voices of those who had already found their way out of this same hell that you're going through now.

There will come a day when you make your way out of the fog of confusion into the light of clarity and understanding that, although he tried so hard to convince you that you were the problem, it was, in fact, his way of thinking and being that was broken.

You will begin to see that no one who is truly whole can purposefully abuse and harm someone that they claim to love. You will recognize that you are valuable, worthy of respect, and worthy of true love. You will first receive that real love from yourself, as you rewrite the commentary of your inner voice and change it from critic to admirer.

There is no need to worry about ever becoming "empty, loveless, lifeless, uncaring, unthoughtful, or ungrateful," because your heart and mind and chosen community will be filled with love, life, care, warm thoughts, and gratitude that you made it out.

Everyday life will come alive with plans and dreams for a better future that you will, step by step, begin to fulfill.

The days of crying and mourning will pass, and days of laughing and dancing will come. Hold on, dear, sweet lady -- your life (your true, authentic, deserved life) is just about to begin!

Sincerely,

Hattie Knew