Why & What

The Why of Myrtle & Turtle

One terrifying night in 2023, I was forced to flee my home after my husband of 32 years flew into a drunken rage, pulled out a loaded gun, pointed it at his own head with his finger on the trigger, and then pointed it at me before putting it back in its holster and setting it back on the coffee table between us.

Since that time, I have spent countless hours listening to domestic abuse counselors, reading the books they recommended to me, attending survivor meetings, etc. – trying to understand how in the world that could have ever happened to me, to us.

In those therapy and counseling sessions, as well as in the books written by professionals who had worked with domestic abuse cases for decades, it was pointed out to me that I had been a victim of ongoing abuse. He had been verbally, emotionally, even spiritually abusive to me for years (he was, and still is, a pastor of a church).

Why did I stay with him for so long? After running away in fear multiple times before, why had I gone back? Why did it take a near murder-suicide for me to finally wake up?

Through my studies, I came to learn that, statistically, I was actually very fortunate to have survived at all.

It takes most women at least seven attempts to leave their abuser. Many of them don’t make it out before the abuse escalates to the point of near death or actual death. Nearly 4.5 million women have reported being threatened with a firearm by an intimate partner. 85% of all homicide-suicides among intimate partners involve a gun. The presence of a firearm increases the risk of homicide for women in abusive relationships by 500%.

What was even more frightening to me than the statistics was the fact that for the majority of our marriage I had thought that his behaviors were just the typical, normal male way of being. Probably because that was the pattern I had been surrounded by and observed all of my life.

The more I studied, the clearer everything became. Not only had I definitely been abused, but I also had definitely been programmed to think that it was my fault and that I should be doing everything I could to fix some inherent flaw in me in order to make the abuse stop.

I began to realize that it was my core beliefs, the things that I had been taught from the time that I was born and that were reinforced every day by the cultural, social, and even religious messages that surrounded me, that had created and kept me trapped in a prison of self-hatred and internalized misogyny.

This programming almost got me killed.

So, I started taking a hard look at the messages, stories, and beliefs that had molded me into the woman who sincerely thought that somehow, if she could just figure out how to say the right thing the right way, or change the way she looked or moved or worked or thought, then she would be able to make this man treat her with the same love, compassion, and respect that he preached about on Sunday mornings.

I know now that nothing I could have ever said or done would have changed his behavior toward me.

The only thing that will ever change the way he treats me, or any other woman for that matter, is if he takes his own hard look at those messages, stories, and beliefs and realizes for himself that they are full of hatred, bigotry, and misogyny and chooses to take responsibility for his own actions.

What I can do, what I must do, is take responsibility for myself.

I must continue learning about the stories of feminine power, dignity, even deity that were hidden from me and the women of the world by the men of the world who wanted to make us think that we are unworthy.

I created Myrtle & Turtle because I want to share some of this feminine wisdom (both ancient and modern) in the hope that other women can be inspired to free themselves from the chains of misogyny and live more empowered lives.

What is Myrtle & Turtle?

As a female, growing up in this world, there are things that no one tells you, about what being born as a female is going to mean for your life.

When you’re a toddler, and, as a female toddler, you’re already speaking in full sentences, no one tells you that you should prepare for the fact that your entire life you will be talked down to by your male counterparts (who at this stage are still mostly just making noises).

They don’t tell you that even as a full-grown adult woman the majority of men will think of you, and sometimes even refer to you, as a, “little girl”, or that, if you have the audacity to question, or even worse disagree with one of those men, that you will be thought of and referred to as a, “stupid bitch”.

No one teaches you that you will need to spend your entire life in fight or flight mode because you will be surrounded daily by predators.

Some of these men will, at the very least, want to manipulate or use you – use your brain, your talents, your abilities, and even your body – to make them look better in school, or to advance their own careers, or to fulfill their own desires.

Some of these men will, at the very worst, want to kill you. Yes, they will hate you so much that they will literally want you dead.

They also don’t tell you that as all of this is happening, you will be expected to stay “pretty”, “keep smiling”, and have a “good attitude” or you will be punished – as if the realities of this so-called life weren’t already punishment enough.

Throughout our lives, we are surrounded by all of the tales of the knight in shining armor, the protector, the savior. It’s in the bedtime stories that are read to us as children. It’s in the movies we watch and the songs we listen to. It’s in the “holy” books that our parents and religious communities tell us we should live our lives by.

With flowery, emotional, even “spiritual” words, we are fed a constant diet of romanticized misogyny.

Boys are taught that they should hate women, and girls are taught that they should hate themselves.

We are all taught to believe that women are weak and ignorant and even evil, while men are strong and smart and even righteous.

No wonder so many little boys grow up to be harassers, cheaters, abusers, rapists, or even murderers.

No wonder so many little girls grow up expecting, even accepting, that they will be harassed, cheated on, abused, raped, or even killed.

Why is this just, “the way it is”? How did we get here?

The really shocking truth is that it wasn’t a mistake. It was a calculated, methodical, strategic plan that resulted in exactly what the original schemers wanted – to strip away all sense of dignity, agency, and freedom from women so that men could gain and hang onto power and control over them.

But it wasn’t always like this.

There was a time when matriarchal societies were common. There was a time when Goddesses had an equal amount of notoriety and respect as the Gods did. There was a time when little girls were inspired by stories of creative, powerful, intelligent Female deities that they could aspire to.

But then as some insecure, egotistical, power-hungry men began changing what was written in the stories, tales of Goddesses and holy women were diminished or removed altogether.

Sacred writings were edited to a narrative of just one, all-powerful, controlling, male God who said that females were evil from the time that they were born and that their only hope of “salvation” would be if they surrendered and submitted themselves to not just a male deity, but to all males in general.

What happened to all of the Goddesses? Why have their stories been mostly eliminated from traditional collections of ancient wisdom? Why aren’t we inspiring our daughters with their ‘herstory’?

These are the questions that I am investigating, mostly for myself and the other girls and women in my family, but also for any of my sisters out there in the world who have found themselves asking these same questions, searching for a better way, finding their own voices, and redefining who they are on their own terms.

Myrtle & Turtle is a collection of feminine wisdom (both ancient and modern) that this woman hopes will bring healing and empowerment to those who find it.